Much to our chagrin, you may have noticed a dearth of reviews on this site as of late. In fact, the last time we posted a review here was August 2, when yours truly lambasted the third Austin Powers film. Hardly a Truffaut-worthy piece, but several three-year-olds congratulated me on my use of fecal imagery.

You may be wondering, why haven't we reviewed more films in the past 43 days? Have we given up the website idea? No. Have we been staying home playing video games and staring into space? Well, yes, but that's not the reason for our lack of writing here. The sad fact is, there's been a whole lot of nothing at mainstream American movie theaters lately. Take a look at your local multiplex and you'll find the very same Austin Powers flick I reviewed over a month ago, as well as several other older films from the past summer. Sure, there's been the occasional comedic failure, like Serving Sara and, more recently, Stealing Harvard, but to be frank we really aren't interested in attending romantic comedies just to write a mediocre-to-awful review. Sure it's fun to unload on a film with both barrels when it sucks, but as you know, internet space is a rare and precious commodity which must be filled only with quality, informed opinion and well-reasoned argument. (insert sarcastic smirk here)

Alright, I can't lie to you. I did go to the movies in the past month. Of course there were the fun John Carpenter revivals (They Live and Big Trouble In Little China) the crew saw in Boston. However, I'm talking about a brand new film I went to see entitled feardotcom. What can I say? I was reeling from a break-up, I desperately needed something to do, and my pals were going to see it. It was either watch a film I knew was going to bite dog gonads, or stay at home and brood like a little punk. I chose the former, though at this point I'm rethinking my decision. Alas, hindsight truly is 20/20.

The correct choice of movie snacks to bring to a showing
of feardotcom.

To say that feardotcom is a bad film is like saying the Holocaust hurt a few people's feelings. This is the worst mainstream horror film I've seen in a long, long time. What happened to American horror? Didn't we just get treated to the excellent film The Others a year ago? Then again, that was a talented Spanish director, whereas feardotcom is directed by William Malone, the man who gave the world Honey I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show in 1997. Strangely, he also directed the 1999 remake of House On Haunted Hill which was silly but at least it was fun. feardotcom is just ugly from start to finish.

Don't get me wrong, I like horror that's serious and bloody, no qualms there. Unfortunately, this film takes note of every horror rule in the book and makes sure it stays on the wrong side of all of them. The characters are talking heads, vapid cardboard standees mouthing dialogue that would make Ed Wood wince. The plot, such as it is, revolves around a website (bad idea #2362: Make your movie revolve around whatever new technology is in this year.) that kills you 48 hours after you look at it. It reminds me of an atrocious video I rented in high school called Microwave Massacre. It was made in the late 1970's/early 80's, when microwave ovens were a big deal, and it's about how this guy kills people then cooks them up in his yacht-sized microwave. "Wow, this microwave is fast and efficient. At only twice the size of a regular oven, it's the perfect addition to your modern home!"

The sad thing is, feardotcom is essentially a ripoff of the upcoming film The Ring, which in turn is a remake of a very chilling, atmospheric Japanese film about a video tape that kills you after you watch it. The funny thing is, the Japanese film's tone and characters are so strong, it never feels cheesy that they're dying from a VHS tape. I'm hoping the new American version will be able to pull that off as well, but I'm not holding my breath. American horror movies are in a state of confusion these days. They keep marketing them to kids, which means they dumb them down and hire 20-something actors for all the roles. This alienates older viewers, which in turn makes the studios say, "Older people aren't watching these genre movies. That proves we're doing the right thing marketing horror to kids! The vicious cycle continues, we get anemic horror, I continue to look to foreign cinema for my gory fix.

And speaking of Catch-22's, this brings me full circle to my original point here, which is this...Hollywood seems to think that nobody goes to the movies between early August and late September. "They're too busy going back to school and watching the leaves change colors. Let's not waste our time putting out decent films right now." So they sit on their hands and release the worst crap-fests they've got sitting on the studio shelves. The result? Nobody has any reason to go to the movies, so they stay home. Hollywood has its self-fulfilling prophecy, and we the people get shafted. Granted, I've had a lot of time recently to alphabetize my sock drawer and bake muffins, but I'd really rather be sitting in a ripped-up theater seat, stuffing my fat face with Goobers. You California types like memos so much, I've got one more for you: "Get off your lazy asses and release something worth watching." Thanks.

-Tim Hulsizer