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The Beauty of Belly of the Beast
Seagalfest 2004
By Matt Goltz and Tim Hulsizer
23 May 2004
Matt: When last we left our intrepid hero, he was a world-traveling Archeology Professor with a penchant for "settling intercontinental conflicts" in the both underfinanced and overblown direct-to-video feature, Out For a Kill. "Directed" by Michael Oblowitz -- who also brought us the similarly overblown but much-less-fun The Foreigner -- Out For a Kill featured ridiculous zen poetry, lessons in Yakuza Management, hysterical fight sequences and a martial arts style that can only be described as "Screaming Spider Monkey on Crack Fu." And yet, and yet... even though he's aging, he's cranky, and he's sporting a new poodle-like pony tail... one man has returned... to take out the trash in Thailand. Yes, people. Put your beer cans together... for the one and only Robed Warrior himself. Praise Jesus, Praise Vishnu, Praise All that you Hold Dear...
STEVEN SEAGAL is BACK!
Tim: That’s right, and I couldn’t be happier. Here is a man that soldiers on despite all the odds. Have you seen that Mountain Dew TV ad he did this spring? Everyone I’ve shown it to says the same thing: “that’s the best thing he’s done in a decade!” As a disciple of master Seagal, I can’t quite go that far but my point is that he pays no attention to popular opinion and continues to entertain us year after year with multiple action-packed undertakings. Matt, tell them about his latest endeavor.
Matt: Belly of the Beast is the Seagalicious new direct-to-video extravaganza from the good folks at Columbia Tri-Star Home Entertainment which also stars sidekick Byron Mann, Tom Wu, Monica Lo and a few dozen other people you've probably never heard of. Not that fame is a prerequisite for talent, naturally. As Zen Master Seagal has taught me through his faux-Asian-circular-logic in one film, "one should not ask someone who they are, but should instead ask himself who he is." And then I think he shot some dude in the face.
Tim: It was the clavicle actually, in the epic film Out for a Siege. Or maybe it was Marked For Justice, another fine classic in the tradition of his trademark movie Hard Down Below. (ed. note - these are not real movies... but they should be. -tom)
Matt: I sat down with this hot little title in my hands and prepared myself for 91 minutes of slappy-fu, goofball dialogue and under-cranked wisdom whispers from my guru Steven. Something happened on the way to the forum, however. Something unexpected. As time passed, I noticed several unsuspected elements creeping into Belly of the Beast, and I'm not sure how to respond to them yet. Things like... competent martial arts? Decent production values? And check this out... Clear and colorful cinematography? Decent supporting actors?? And what the heck is this? Wirework that doesn't completely suck ass?? Seagal dialogue that I can actually hear??? "Hey! What gives, here??!"
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