The Mind Is a Mirror:
Steven Seagal's Out For a Kill

Warning: The following article contains "spoilers" which may ruin the enjoyment of the "movie."

When we last convened for some Seagal Cinema (see the article The Plankton Is Dying: SeagalFest 2003) we left the room broken and battered, mere shadows of our former selves. Then August 2003 arrived and just as we were fully recovered Steven decided to release his latest masterpiece, Out For a Kill. After his latter day triumphs with Exit Wounds and Half Past Dead, I'd really hoped we'd be seeing all of Seagal's efforts on the big screen, but alas it was not meant to be. This latest movie was sent straight to the store shelves; however, I'm pleased to report that it loses little magic on the transition to television. My compatriots Matt and Tom joined me in a ceremonial viewing the week it came out and I was able to fill a page or three with some thoughts on the film. Without further ado, let's jump right in.

Out For a Kill, 2003
Synopsis: Archeology Professor Robert Burns is on location leading an important dig in some ancient ruins on the Far Eastern Chinese border. He accidentally discovers that the Chinese Mafia, the Tong, is using his newly discovered ancient Chinese artifacts to hide and smuggle narcotics across the border. Mayhem ensues. Seagal's ponytail length: Past shoulder length and proudly open so it can flutter in the wind, mullet-style. Kudos, Steven. Tagline: Out for revenge. Out for payback.

0:00 - The film starts with a quote from Sun Tzu's incredibly over-quoted Art of War: "All warfare is based on the art of deception." A good point to be sure, but it doesn't bode well for us. Sounds like Seagal's focusing on his usual Eastern Mysticism thing. I'm glad the guy's got a philosophy but he shoehorns it into every damn movie.

1:31 - The film begins in earnest with a Russian club being shot up in slow-motion by machine gun-toting thugs. In fact the entire scene is in slow-motion, right down to the shots of people walking. Note #1 to filmmakers: Slow-mo is generally used to give emphasis to a shot, not to pad a film out to feature length. Note #2: I understand that "fake slow-mo" is a really popular effect these days, but guess what? We can tell you didn't originally shoot it in slow-motion and the fake stuff looks like shit. That is all.

5:00 - Our first view of The Table, a large table full of Chinese Triad members headed by their boss Wong Dai. They're discussing their upcoming merger, the largest in their history. The Table pops up a lot in the film, revealing to us how many of the 7 Triad Minibosses have been taken out by our boy Seagal. In this first Table scene, we meet each Miniboss in succession and their name pops up instantly on screen in a cheesy subtitle accompanied by a digital printout sound, despite the fact that no letters are actually being printed out. Weak.

9:00 - Our first view of Seagal in the movie, looking paunchy in the utmost and wearing his hair untied, an interesting change from the old ponytail. Oh wait, it's basically the same except the ponytail isn't tied. Nice try, sir.

9:45 - We begin to realize that we are hardly ever seeing Seagal speak in this movie. We can hear some dialogue from him but for reasons that are beyond our understanding they have chosen to only show him speaking about 15% of the time. If anyone can explain this, please let us know.

13:00 - Seagal checks out a shed and figures out that someone's trying to move drugs around in some artifacts he dug up. Accepting Seagal as a world renowned archaeologist is difficult, but still easier than accepting him as a world renowned immunologist in The Patriot.

15:30 - First use of gratuitous special effects: the bad guys pepper Steven's jeep with bullets and we follow each one from the gun barrel to the back of the jeep.

17:30 - Seagal is arrested at the border of China and Kazakhstan. “Felonious filming of a poor script,” presumably.

18:00 - The Table again, this time with the first of many instances where the Triad Boss, Wong Dai, calls Seagal "that gwai lo Professor." "Gwai lo" is (Cantonese) Chinese for "white devil/ghost" or "foreign devil". In Chinese, this expression isn't too far removed from other racist English expressions like “honkey” or “cracker” for caucasians or things of that ilk. Using the term once in the film gets the point across that these are nasty fellows. Using it a hundred times, however, is something like having a bunch of white actors throwing the "N-word" around a bunch of times in a movie. It's kind of offensive. But hey, they should know better. Seagal's going to teach them some manners.

22:50 - Seagal has his usual prison scene where he befriends a fellow con, some guy named "King" who was arrested for trying to bring marijuana across the Chinese-Kazakhstan border. Am I the only one who isn't buying this plot? I mean, come on...who leaves America and goes all the way to China to deal in pot? That's like going to the moon to get a bottle of Pepsi.

25:00 - Seagal released from prison, gives "love and respect" to King, says goodbye to nice American D.E.A. people who somehow pulled strings and got him released. Why the D.E.A. is involved in an international Triad operation is never explained. They usually focus on nabbing drug dealers who come to America, but apparently this time they've decided to expand their horizons and head overseas to meddle in Chinese affairs. I'm sure the Chinese government is thrilled.

25:20 - Again with the Table dudes and their "gwai lo professor" thing.

25:45 - We jump to New Haven, Connecticut where Seagal's character lives with his wife. We're treated to more dialogue whispered so quietly we have to turn on the subtitles to understand what the hell he's saying.

26:20 - Yet again with the Table dudes and their "qwai lo professor" thing. This time instead of speaking English like the first two times, they're speaking Chinese dialogue for no apparent reason.

26:30 - We head over to Chinatown in New York City. This film is turning into a real travelogue.

27:30 - Seagal injects some more Eastern philosophy into the film as he enters into this wonderful scene with an old Chinese friend:

Old Man
The mind is a mirror, a bright light shining. Be sure to clean it every day. Allow no dust to cling.

Seagal
There is no mirror. There is no dust. There is no darkness. Only the mind's light. I think you know what I have to do.

Old Man
I will wait by the open grave for your return.

Us
(simultaneously): What the f---?!

Seagal's sage philosophy is lost on us mere mortals.

28:30 - The first fu of the film, as Seagal battles some rogue monks in a funeral home. After removing them from the gene pool, he notices tattoos on their wrists: “Danger Below” and “A River.” Pay attention as there will be a test on this later.

30:30 - The Table guys return with their latest smash hit, “This gwai lo professor is becoming a problem.” For an encore they manage to squeeze in three more “gwai lo” references before the conversation ends. I guess the Triads are sort of like the Asian KKK or something. Weird.

33:00 - Seagal and his blushing bride break bread at a bistro. The bad guys arrive, not realizing that you never interrupt Steven while he’s feeding. They also make the mistake of threatening his spouse. Mayhem ensues.

35:00 - Our two wacky D.E.A. agents mop up Seagal’s victims at the restaurant. For some reason, rather than actually do their jobs and arrest him they decide to let him run amok in the hope that he’ll lead them to the Triad boss. Memorable line: “I don’t wanna arrest him. I think our boy’s just starting to party.” Clearly these people don’t have to do any paperwork for their cases.

35:30 - Steven gets a hankering for a midnight snack and gets up from their prop bed while a thunderstorm rages outside on the soundstage. His Spider-sense tingling, he heads outside to investigate something and his wife upstairs gets blown to smithereens by a hidden bomb. We’re treated to a really funky shot of Seagal’s face lit up by lightning as he watches his home going up in flames.

40:25 - Some choice dialogue as Seagal grabs the controls of a small plane:

Seagal
Do you think I’m crazy?

Ex-Marine Pilot
No.

Seagal
Wrong answer. I am crazy!

Meanwhile, the two D.E.A. agents are somehow watching this from the ground.

Agent Ed Grey
I’m really starting to like this guy.

Agent Tommie Ling
Me too.

41:40 - Chilling at the Table with our Triad buddies. “Trouble with the gwai lo professor,” blah blah blah.

42:00 - Back on the ground, Seagal heads for a clandestine meeting and the D.E.A. stiffs follow. They forget one of the fundamental rules of filmmaking: never reference a better film than the one you’re making.

Agent Ed
Forget about it, Tommie. It’s Chinatown.

44:12 - Seagal in a dirty old Chinese barbershop. I’ve been to NYC’s Chinatown recently and believe me, it’s quite clean compared to this. At any rate, one of the barbers turns out to be an unkempt master of monkey style kung fu and he attacks Seagal, leaping from wall to wall using wirework so obvious an infant would scoff. It’s so ridiculous, in fact, that it’s actually sort of fun. I nominate this for Fight of the Film. Post-execution, Seagal pauses to read the monkey man’s wrist: “Peaceful.”

47:20 - A lovely Seagal Moment™, as he confronts agent Tommie Ling and tells her: “I’ll do your work for you, better than you ever could. Stay out of my life, stay out of my way.” Ah, I see. So if I’m ever pursued by law enforcement, I turn on them and deliver those lines, and they’ll back off. And people say you can’t learn anything from Seagal movies?

49:00 - More Seagal wisdom - “Steal a little, go to jail. Steal a lot, you become king.”

51:00 - Seagal walks into a room full of mahjong games, ready to break some necks. It’s on, baby!

51:05 - Oh, never mind. It’s over. Seagal grabs a bad guy, who tells him this vital information: “Distant waters cannot quench your thirst. Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” Oddly, Steven appears to understand and profit from these words. He discovers that his wife’s killer is a guy named Sai Lo.

52:30 - Somebody yells, “You’re fucked now, white boy!” A Steven Seagal Slappy Fight™ ensues. Seagal inspects the dude’s wrist: “Surface.”

Seagal
Where is Sai Lo?

Henchman #8274
Crows everywhere are equally black.

53:30 - Triad Table is down to four guys. Sai Lo declares, “This gwai lo must be stopped at all costs!” We eventually stop laughing and continue the film.

54:25 - Puzzle Master Steven swings into action, cracking the code of the wrist tattoos. Steven reads the tattoo messages (“Danger Below,” “Surface,” “The Crane,” “Peaceful”) then notices a scrawled entry in a Triad ledger: Red Dragon Export Company in Sofia, Bulgaria.

55:15 - Arrival in Bulgaria. Matt, Tom, and I begin to feel jet lagged.

57:30 - Another scene in NYC. Our D.E.A. pals marvel at Seagal’s lack of subtlety. Then they follow him to Eastern Europe.

1:00:15 - Agent Tommie Ling walks her semi-cute self into a lesbian tattoo parlor and comes face to face with the Bulgarian version of Gina Gershon. In an apparent nod to Dr. Seuss, the screenwriter treats us to this dialogue between the bad guys: “Play her like a mouse, then take her to the house.” Ah, if only Seagal could have been cast as the Grinch in Ron Howard’s 2000 film debacle. Little Cindy Lou Who’s head would’ve come clean off her shoulders no doubt. And the Grinch would have whispered pithy sayings like, “Confucius tells us that a bird in the hand gathers no moss.”

1:02:15 - Seagal finds a dead guy at the offices of the export firm. His wrist reveals another clue to Sai Lo’s whereabouts, “Hides.”

1:04:15 - Tommie, not knowing her cover’s blown, pretends she’s trying to score some dope.

Bulgarian Gina Gershon
How do we know you’re not a cop?

Tommie
Do I look like a cop to you?

Bulgarian Gina Gershon
You sure don’t feel like a cop.

Tommie
Well girls…are you going to help me cop?

1:08:30 - Tommie prepares to punch a tattoo parlor femme: “Tattoo this, bitch!”

1:09:30 - Back to the Triad Table one last time. Waiter, I’ll have my usual please: “The gwai lo professor is becoming a problem” with a side order of “This gwai lo must be stopped at all costs.” Hold the mayo.

1:10:30 - A semi-interesting car chase occurs. We cut back to the Table and discover that only two men remain. The trap is closing on you, Sai Lo. Did you really think you could outsmart Steven Seagal, master of slappy fu and possessor of all the Wisdom of the Orient? Oh, you poor, misguided rapscallion.

1:12:00 - On a hunch, Seagal heads for Paris because he hasn't traveled enough in the film. Minutes later, he catches up with his wife’s killer in a Chinese laundry. An awkwardly choreographed fight ensues.

1:16:30 - Sai Lo’s wrist tattoo: “Danger Below.” The pieces of the puzzle finally come together for our man Seagal. Time to find Wong Dai, the criminal mastermind behind the Triads.

1:17:50 - D.E.A. agent Ed remarks for no apparent reason, “If I don’t bust somebody’s ass soon, I’m gonna lose all my mystique.”

1:20:00 - The Showdown! Seagal confronts Wong Dai, using the wisdom gleaned from killing ten men: “The crane flies above a river. Peaceful surface hides danger below.” Wong Dai banters with him for a couple minutes, things break, a fire starts, and Wong Dai makes his escape.

1:23:00 - Seagal, however, has come too far and missed too many meals to let this fiend go unpunished. He hurls a sword through a second story window, beheading Wong Dai in the street below.

1:23:45 - A little farewell in NYC before one last pointless jump to Connecticut again at 1:24:00. Then credits mercifully appear and we are free. The pen falls from this exhausted reporter’s hand. Sanity returns soon after.

There you have it, folks. Steven Seagal’s immortal masterpiece, Out For a Kill. The atheists among you will be quick to call this one more piece of evidence that there is no God, but I like to look at it another way. To me, the existence of this film says that not only is there a God, but It is a Seagal fan. After all, who but an omnipotent deity could get new Seagal films on store shelves in the face of massive consumer indifference? A hip, masochistic God, that’s who! And rest assured, true believers…with each new film in Steven’s canon, we at the Film Basement will be here to document the “achievement.” I remain your most humble and obedient servant.