TFB - Seagalfest 2003

The Plankton Is Dying

SeagalFest 2003
by Tim Hulsizer, with Matt and Mark

"My mission in life is to be a good, strong human being, help those who need help, and to use the martial arts as a path of healing. The martial arts is really a path of always striving to perfect our spiritual selves, to become better people, so we can help other people to make the world a better place."

What can I say about Steven Seagal that hasn't been scrawled on a million bathroom walls already? Born 10 April 1951 in Lansing, Michigan, Seagal is the first foreigner ever to own and operate an Aikido dojo in Japan. Known as "Master Take Shigemichi", he was the chief instructor at the Aikido Tenshin Dojo in the city of Osaka. He's been married 3 times and sired 6 offspring. During his third marriage (1987-1996), the ill-fated coupling with model/actress Kelly LeBrock, his wife gave birth to Arrissa, whom they named after the nanny. Seagal then got involved romantically with the nanny who subsequently became pregnant with his child. He's a vegetarian but I'm assuming he uses a lot of butter on his veggies because he's no longer the lean, mean fighting machine he used to be. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to run face first into his patented "slappy-slappy" move that he does in nearly all of his early flicks, but you've got to admit he's husky, as my mom used to call me when I was a lad.

There are many Seagal stories, few of them pretty. Seagal's love of guitar and appreciation of rasta music led him to study with teacher in Jamaica, where he owns a vacation home. He broke Sean Connery's wrist when he was teaching him martial arts during the filming of Never Say Never Again. In most of his films, he is seen holding a Colt M1911 automatic pistol. He owns several in his private collection. He claims to have worked for the CIA, he squints a lot, and one night on Saturday Night Live, producer Lorne Michaels actually called him the worst host ever. Do I dislike Seagal? I don't think so. This article pokes fun at the man and his occasionally self-made myth, but I don't want to seem mean-spirited in tone. I believe Steven Seagal, for all his flaws, truly believes in the things he preaches, like unity and dedication to the martial arts. In those terms, I think he's a genuine rarity in a Hollywood full of people who merely "talk the talk". It would be hypocritical to deride a gentleman whose films have given me such immense joy over the years. In fact, it was all those years of laughter and tears that inspired Matt and myself to create...SeagalFest.

I don't know how it really began. We'd been discussing Steven Seagal's cinematic legacy for quite some time, and I guess our minds finally cracked under the strain. Matt and I hatched a plan to hold SeagalFest 2003 and watch every Steven Seagal movie ever made. It was madness --- or was it? To be sure, Seagal has grown portly in his middle age, but does that necessarily mean he can't make a stellar action film? We wanted to know more about his vast ouevre, from the salad days of 1988, when he burst onto the scene as a the pony-tailed Nico in Above the Law to the leaner times of 2003 when he starred as a pony-tailed FedEx guy in the little-seen The Foreigner. We started arguing, cajoling, and outright lying to get our friends to join us for SeagalFest. However, every time we moved left, our friends dodged right, skillfully evading our every move. In the end, only the intrepid Mark Nelson dared attend, and we had to make a few concessions. The first was that we couldn't watch all of his filmography, at least not all at once. For one thing, that would require nearly 48 hours of viewing. For another, our heads would explode. We eliminated the Seagal films we'd already seen (which unfortunately means the good ones), leaving us with the following celluloid treasures:

On Deadly Ground (1994)
The Glimmer Man (1996)
Fire Down Below (1997)
The Patriot (1998)
Ticker (2001)
Half Past Dead (2002)
Foreigner, The (2003)

Other concessions included snacks and various immoral acts with farm animals that I won't mention here. Suffice to say, we had Mark in the icy grip of Seagal Mania, and we settled down on Matt's couch on Saturday 01 March, 2003 for the First Annual SeagalFest.

On Deadly Ground, 1994
Synopsis: Set in Alaska, On Deadly Ground chronicles the trials and tribulations of oil rig firefighter Forrest Taft (Seagal), as this ex-CIA agent goes head-to-head with his boss, played by Michael Caine. The stakes? Our environment, damnit! Oh, and Taft gets jiggy with the delectable native American named Masu (played by Chinese actress Joan Chen). Produced and directed by Steven Seagal. His ponytail length in this film: 3 inches. Tagline: "Mess With the Land He Loves and You're.On Deadly Ground!" Notable quote from the package: "In every way the equal of Under Siege" (Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle).
11:25 AM - Film start.
11:27 - S.S. makes his grand entrance in the film and in SeagalFest 2003. As he marches in to fight an oil rig inferno wearing his fringe-covered jacket, his old man buddy murmers "Thank god." When asked why he works for an evil oil company, he explains that "for 350,000 dollars, I'd fuck anything once."
11:34 - Seagal is called "cupcake" and "pansy" in a local tavern. Mayhem ensues.
11:42 - After beating some chump mercilessly, Steven stops and ponders, "What does it take to change the essence of a man?" His bloody foe whines in response: "I need time.time to change!"
12:07 PM - Seagal set upon by dogs. And there was much rejoicing.
12:28 - "We've gotta blow it and we've gotta blow it NOW!" A career motto for the man?
12:51 - R. Lee Ermey has arrived with his crack commando unit to save an otherwise painful viewing experience. He barks a politically incorrect order at a Native American soldier: "I want you to protect this interest like it was your sister's cherry, Tonto!"
1:30 - Seagal, having browbeaten us about the environment throughout the film, delivers his now infamous speech at the Alaska State Capital building. Much stock footage is shown. The full text of the speech is available at the end of this article for your reading "pleasure". If you're wondering where the plankton reference in this article's title comes from, look no further.

Glimmer Man, 1996
Synopsis: Your average law enforcement no-brainer, as Seagal plays Jack Cole, an ex-Special Forces assassin turned detective. He walks around wearing Tibetan prayer beads and a series of shiny jackets. He pairs up with a wise-cracking detective, played by Keenen Ivory Wayans, to stop a series of serial murders. Tagline: "Two Good Cops. One Bad Situation." Seagal's ponytail length in this film: 6 inches. He's about 30 pounds heavier than he was in On Deadly Ground.
1:12 PM - Film start.
1:23 - Seagal to an attorney: "Get your ugly white ass out of here." Does this mean Seagal sees himself as other than white? The mind boggles.
1:24 - Matt seems psychically linked to Keenan Ivory Wayans, as he correctly predicts Wayans' next line: "She's got nice tits." Remarkable. (Note: Matt wasn't espousing his own opinion in some boorish manner, he was actively attempting to predict the line)
1:32 - Seagal explains to some bad guys: "I can't fight," just before he slits their throats with a razor blade attached to a credit card. Shortly thereafter, Glimmer Man becomes the second film in a row to feature an impalement.
1:46 - Seagal called "sissy." Mayhem ensues.
1:47 - Seagal meets in a restaurant with the always enjoyable actor Brian Cox. As their conversation goes on, talking gives way to lowered voices. Then lowered voices become whispers. These whispers become low murmurs. Finally, the murmurs devolve into a series of slurred consonants hissed at each other. We're falling off the couch laughing.
2:14 - Wayans' character Jim Campbell outruns a fireball engulfing his apartment. We are unable to summon any emotion regarding the scene.
2:18 - Glimmer Man becomes the second film in a row to feature somebody driving their car into an (in)conveniently placed gasoline truck, causing it to explode.
2:30 - Notable line: "I only shot you in one foot. Hobble to a hospital."
2:43 - Another impalement, this time it's the classic fall onto a wrought-iron fence-like structure.

Fire Down Below, 1997
Synopsis: Seagal is EPA Marshal Jack Taggart, looking about 10 pounds lighter than in Glimmer Man. He has come to South to stop evil coalmine owners from doing bad things to their workers and the environment. He has also come to romance Marg Helgenberger. Tagline: "Undercover has never run so deep." Notable quote from the package: "The best Steven Seagal film since Under Siege." (Maria Salas, CBS-TV)
2:54 PM - Film start.
3:08 - Seagal saunters into town wearing a leather jacket over a shirt buttoned all the way to the top with no tie. He sweet talks identical twin sisters.
3:11 - Seagal is called "pretty boy" by some yokels who are apparently blind. Mayhem ensues.
3:15 - Seagal whispers his way into Marg Helgenberger's heart, leading us to draw parallels between this film and Vanilla Ice's magnum opus, Cool As Ice. Both films feature a worldly badboy wearing flashy clothes who arrives in a small town and romances a girl who is looking for something more than the local scene can provide.
3:47 - "I'll have 300 agents come up here into this little hick town and crawl up every orifice you got. When it's over you can go to your favorite proctologist and get a nice, soothing ointment, and rub it on the hole that hurts most." -- Dr. Seagal
3:57 - Another great Seagal Sermon.
4:03 - Seagal grabs a guitar and starts wailing. Appalachia rejoices.
4:31 - Steven to Kris Kristofferson: "I'm going to show you a new meaning for the word violation."
4:40 - Credits roll. We have the disappointing realization that there were no impalements, exploding gasoline trucks, or "muppets" (Matt's brilliant term for when Seagal bends somebody's limb into an impossible angle).

4:51 - After checking the clock, we make the decision to skip Ticker. We watch the trailer just for the hell of it. Seagal's ponytail looks oddly fluffy. (Matt, taking a bullet for Mark and I, would end up watching it the next day anyway. More on that later.)

The Patriot, 1998
Synopsis: Steven Seagal is Dr. Wesley McClaren, world renowned immunologist with a 6-inch ponytail. A Montana militia group takes over his town, unleashes a deadly illness, and ends up holding his daughter hostage. Seagal, still about 20 lbs. over his fighting weight, lumbers into action. Can he find the cure in time?! Tagline: "Every Second Counts."
4:58 PM - Film start.
5:01 - Seagal sports a cowboy hat onscreen. Cowboys everywhere convulse involuntarily.
5:12 - Our first use of subtitles to understand Steven, as he mumbles to his daughter over breakfast.
5:20 - Government Guy to Seagal: "Get back to your plastic beakers." Seagal (long pause): ".What?"
5:33 - We realize we're 32 minutes into the film and Seagal hasn't killed anyone. We scratch our heads in puzzlement, unsure of how we feel about that. A cookie break ensues as we attempt to regroup.
5:53 - 47 minutes into the film, and Seagal finally defends himself. The Bad Guy ("Floyd") delivers a couple good lines: #1 - "If you shoot his daughter, plug the hole. We need the blood." #2 - "We need him like a dick in the dirt."
5:54 - Seagal's ponytail is undone, his hair gently floating in the breeze. It is indeed a rare moment in the annals of Seagaldom.
6:03 - Seagal gets back in touch with his earth vibes, as he visits his daughter's Native American mother.
6:26 - 79 minutes into the film, the killing begins anew, as Seagal puts a spike into Floyd's skull, awakening us from our catnaps.
6:31 - The film mercifully ends.

6:37 PM - We watch the trailer for The Foreigner, a 2003 straight-to-video release that looks so bad that we just.can't.do it. The decision is made to cut our losses and skip the rest of SeagalFest. We pick up the shattered pieces of our sanity and self-respect, and head to a restaurant for some well earned chicken fingers.

What Have We Learned About Steven Seagal's Film Career?
The "do's and don'ts" of a film career are different for everyone. Some actors have strengths that others do not. After viewing four of his later movies in a row (I know it doesn't sound like much of a festival, but I'd like to see you do it), I've come to a few conclusions. As we all know by now, Seagal had several films that were successes, from 1988's triumphant debut in Above the Law to the "Die Hard On a Boat" fun of Under Siege in 1992. In the decade since, he's struggled in Hollywood through a series of bad script choices. I believe this can be turned around if he just follows a few simple cinematic rules:
DO use as much aikido as possible. This martial art made you an international star, Steven, yet you seem determined to keep moving away from it. Why? Do you want to be taken seriously as an Actor in more dramatic roles? Let's be honest with ourselves: It isn't going to happen. It didn't happen for Van Damme and it won't happen for you. Don't get me wrong, I actually like you better than that crack smoking EuroTrash, but in the cutthroat world of Hollywood, an aging action star isn't exactly sought after. Hell, even Stallone and Schwarzenegger, once titans of the silver screen, have now been reduced to walking punchlines. Stick to what you know. Do the slappy-slappy thing and pummel as many people as possible in every scene of every film.
DO continue to have a different ethnicity or wacky profession in each film. I've seen you play a guy with Native American roots, I've seen you play a Russian, I've seen you play an immunologist, and I'm really looking forward to your latest movie Out For a Kill (2003) in which you play a university professor. The more implausible and silly you get, the more I'm loving every minute of it. If possible, please don a turban in your next film and play an amputee ambassador from India who knows aikido. I think you may be the only actor working today who can pull it off.
DON'T wear a ponytail. The biggest post-1992 hit you've had was Exit Wounds and I have news for you: I didn't see it for DMX's wooden performance. I mean, your performances are kind of wooden too, but in a good way. Your wooden-ness has an odd nobility to it that I enjoy for some reason. In that film you lost the ponytail, Steve, and you lost some weight too. You looked like a lean, mean acting machine and you nailed it. No offense intended, but the ponytail looks awful. Please keep it where it belongs, in photographs of you from the 1980s.
DON'T wear your heart on your woven hemp sleeve. I know you love the Land. I know you love Native Americans and Tibetans and the eco-system. I know you believe that holistic medicine is the future and Buddhism is the answer to every life question we have. But for the love of Siddartha, please don't deliver your message sermon style. Throw in a line here and there if you must, but preaching isn't going to help mold the youth. Just lead by example my man, and we'll follow. As a sidenote here: I know the Buddhist/non-violence thing has led you to feel conflicted about killing people onscreen, but we really would like to be entertained. I must reiterate what I said earlier: please DO break as many bad guys' limbs as possible in your films. It's not a documentary, it's an action flick. We're not going to go out and beat people senseless just because you did it in On Deadly Ground 3: Fuck Exxon. I'm absolutely a pacifist myself, but I enjoy a nice, violent Seagal movie from time to time. That is all.

Epilogue
The Monday after SeagalFest 2003, Matt e-mailed Mark and myself. What follows is the unexpurgated text of that message:
From: Matt
To: Mark, Tim
Subject: Seagal's TICKER
Date: Mon, 03 Mar 2003 12:39:13 -0500
Well, while the film is sort of a tired mad-bomber story and Seagal doesn't do much fighting or anything, it is much more involving than THE PATRIOT. It even had a muppet.

Classic/goofy moments:
*That great part in the trailer as Seagal tells Tom Sizemore, "You've gotta be more zen!"
*Seagal and a flunky school Sizemore like a Sesame Street character at the mention of a bomb."Did you say the B-word?" "Don't use da B-word. B is for Boom" (gee.thanks, Grover.)
*Seagal wisdom: "Love is eternal. And that's a long time."
*Sizemore screaming about Jaime Pressly."I KNOW where she's going! She's gonna BLOW CITY HALL!!"

Some city halls have all the luck. :)

Yes, Matt. Yes they do. So I know what you're all wondering out there right now. Will there be a SeagalFest 2004? And if so, how do I buy tickets? Ah, an excellent question my friend, but I really couldn't say at this point. As much as I enjoy the occasional voyage to Seagal Peninsula, the idea of another full-scale invasion fills me with an unearthly dread. It's going to depend on a lot of things, like whether or not we get anyone to join us, whether our souls can withstand it, and whether we decide to dedicate our next action festival to some other worthy star.Don "the Dragon" Wilson, perhaps. Or maybe Cynthia Rothrock, the queen of B martial arts. Or maybe even the Perfect Weapon himself, Jeff Speakman. Rest assured, when and if it happens, you'll hear about it here first. We, the few and the proud who have endured much for your sake, stand tall in defiance of pain. Whenever Seagal releases another star-studded film, we'll be there. We are the Watchers. We are legend.

--Tim Hulsizer

Seagal's Final Speech from On Deadly Ground
"I'd like to start out by saying 'thank you' to all the brothers and sisters who have come here representing this cause.

I've been asked by Mr. Itaka and the Tribal Counsel to speak to you and the members of the Press about the injustice that has been brought against us by the government and big business.

How many of you out there have heard of 'alternate engines' -- engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water; or carburetors that can get 100s of miles to the gallon, or electric or magnetic engines that can practically run forever? You haven't heard about them because if they were come into use, they [would] put the oil companies out of business.

The concept of the combustion engine has been obsolete for over 50 years, but because of the oil cartels and corrupt government regulations, we in the rest of the world have been forced to use gasoline for over 100 years.

Big business is primarily responsible for destroying the water we drink, the air we breath, and the food we eat. They have no cure for the world they've destroyed. [They care] only for the money they make in the process.

How many oil spills can we endure? Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the ocean and the many forms of life they support. Among these is Plankton, which supplies 60-90% of the Earth's oxygen, and supports the entire marine ecosystem which forms the basis of our planet's food supply. But the plankton is dying.

I thought, 'Well, let's go to some remote state or country -- anywhere on earth' -- but in doing a little research, I realized that these people broker toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation; and in fact, they control the law. The law says no company can be fined over $25,000 a day. For companies making 10 million dollars a day by dumping lethal toxic waste into the ocean, it's only 'good business' to continue doing this.

They influence the media so that they can control our minds. They have made it a crime to speak out for ourselves; and if we do so we are called 'conspiracy nuts' or laughed at.

We're angry because we're all being chemically and genetically damaged, and we don't even realize it. And unfortunately, this will effect our children.

We go to work every day, and right under out noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious and poisonous gasses that are accumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect.

How many of us would have believed 20 years ago that on a certain day we wouldn't be able to see 50 feet in front of us; that we wouldn't be able to take a deep breath because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas; that we wouldn't be able to drink out of our faucets; that we would have to buy water out of bottles; that the most common and God-given rights have been taken away from us; and unfortunately, the reality of our lives is so grim nobody wants to hear it.

Now I've been asked what we can do. I think we need a responsible body of people that can actually represent us, rather than big business. This body of people must not allow the introduction of anything into our environment that is not absolutely biodegradable or able to be chemically neutralized upon production.

And finally, as long as there is profit to be made from the polluting of our earth, companies and individuals will continue to do what they want. We have to force these companies to work safely and responsibly, and with all our best interest in mind, so that when they don't, we can take back our resources and our hearts and our minds to do what's right."