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Cannon Fodder:
Enter the Ninja

I just took a bullet for all of you, my friends. A bullet in the form of Golan-Globus' 1981 Cannon Films shitstorm, Enter the Ninja. Truth be told, it was a hit I took gladly as I always enjoy some awful Whiteboy Fu. And believe me brothers and sisters, this one's got it in spades. I've taken the liberty of converting some key scenes into mp3 files, sort of a Crib Notes version of the film if you will.

Track One - Opening Theme

The first track is just the opening theme from the movie. As some decent pseudo-Japanese tunes washes over you, Sho Kosugi makes one of his few appearances in the movie, jumping around and twirling nunchakus against an all black background like he's trying out for a high school drama production of Pray For Death. He's so underused in the movie it's criminal. After this music clip, the film shows us a white boy named Cole (Franco Nero in full-on Moustache Mode) during his final Ninja Test.

Track Two - This Scroll is Your License

He passes his test and in track two we hear the Master give him a surprise Ninja Quiz and after which he hands him his Ninja License. Then it's on to the Phillipines, which was almost certainly used for the opening scenes of "Japan." Cole looks up an old army buddy named Frank Landers (Alex Courtney, doing the worst James Caan haircut/voice ripoff ever). We soon learn that Landers has a hot blonde wife who unfortunately never shows her goodies in the film. What, Golan & Globus are making art films all of a sudden? I thought this was Warren Perso's "Ninjas and French Chicks in the Nuddie"! Damn, I guess not.

Track Three - Cockfight!

If you ever doubted the power of Manila, it's clearly evident in track three, the first of two -- count 'em TWO -- cockfighting scenes. Cole's army buddy Landers owns a Phillipines plantation, but a giant oil company wants the land and is trying to drive off the workers.

I'll save you the guesswork and tell it to you straight: the rest of the film is Cole kicking the shit out of archfiend/oil magnate Venarius' troops time and time again.

Track Four - Hangin With Mr. Venarius

In track four the fat little henchman Siegfried 'The Hook' Schultz explains to Venarius why he can't get Landers to leave. Venarius (Christopher George) becomes perturbed as Siegried is not supposed to talk or look directly at him, so another henchman has to slap Siegfried around. Notice how Christopher George screams almost every line. This must be where Al Pacino honed and perfected the acting style he started pursuing in the 80s.

Track Five - Cockfight 2

Track five is the second cockfight, and we get the immortal Landers line,"Leeet's haaavve a COCKFIGHT!" Half of the greatness is the line itself and half of it is the actor's unbridled innocent, and enthusiastic delivery, as though a cockfight was like a shopping trip in Paris. Brilliant.

Track Six - Stoned

Track Seven - I Wanna Ninja

Track six on the audio tour features Cole and Landers in a bar, drinking away their sorrows and discussing sexual dysfunction. Meanwhile on track 7 Venarius listens to a henchman's explanation of what a ninja is, then pouts and declares that he wants one too, just like Landers.

Track Eight - Ending Theme

Finally, track 8 wraps it all up with some nice Ninja Funk over the closing credits.

You'd think that a Cannon film that features two cockfights AND a Vietnam war flashback sequence would be a classic for all time. Not so... ...it's pretty lame. For proof, just look at the final shot of the movie: Cole turns directly to the camera and WINKS. Yes that's right folks, a fucking ninja movie that ends with a wink. Who the f' thought that was cool? The tagline says "Ninjitsu, the darkest and deadliest of all the Martial Arts," so apparently winking is some kind of secret killing style, like the Touch of Death. Go figure.

I hope you've enjoyed our little tour through the world of director Menahem Golan.

-Tim

For a little more on Enter the Ninja, check out this article from The Illuminated Lantern.
And look it up on The Internet Movie Database. Or on second thought, don't.

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