Library
Reference
Guest Review
Anaconda: Hunt For the Blood Orchid
by wrestling legend Jake "The Snake" Roberts
13 Sept 2004
When
I heard there was a new giant snake movie coming out this August you can
be damn sure I got excited. I grabbed my wallet, hopped in the car and
headed over to the VideoMat. Crikey, imagine my surprise when they told
me this one's not going straight to video, it's in theaters! I got so
excited I grabbed my python pal Damien and waxed my moustache. "We're
off to the cinemas, Damien," I cried with delight.
A few short minutes into this travesty of the silver screen, Damien's hopes were dashed and mine as well. It was basically a sequel to that John Voight / Jennifer Lopez vehicle from a few years back, Anaconda. That wouldn't be so bad, even though anacondas can't hold a candle to some other types of snake, but the film has other problems besides the choice of reptile. The first one is the story itself, mate. Let's tuck into it.
We start off in the jungles of Borneo, where a hapless native gets his juices drained by a honey of a snake. It's big, it's long, it's mean and it's strong. Kinda like your ol' pal Jakey if you catch my meaning. But let's be honest here, this native's moves are rubbish. He spots the snake and runs. You think I won over a hundred solid wrestling matches by running away from my opponent?! Hell no! Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them. It probably wanted to be stroked or something, but when the fella started running it mistook him for a wild boar and chased him down for a snack. Serves ya right, pansy.
Anyway, we jump to New York City where a pharmaceutical corporation decides to fund some scientist's hunt for the blood orchid, a rare Borneo flower that can allow cells in the body to replicate more than their customary 56 times per lifespan. Theoretically, this would allow the human body to live much longer than 100 years and perhaps extend your wrestling career to three or four decades. That's a lot of piledrivers. Now Jake's no stranger to science; I've got a PhD in Ring Science from the Institute of Kicking Ass and Taking Names. So you can be sure I hurled Damien at the screen at that point and let the movie know, in no uncertain terms, that it was time for more snakes.
Jump to Borneo, the team of scientists and entrepeneurs hires a rundown ship piloted by a drunken ex-Special Forces bloke who for some reason has a just-out-of-the-gym pump going on all the time. Take it from me mate, you don't get to look this good by drinking in bars. Jake the Snake got this impressive physique from nothing but good old-fashioned face-stomping in the squared circle. Fancy a go, pretty boy? No? Then stop looking at me!
Boat chartered, they all hit the river, blah blah, eat, drink, chat
and flirt with each other, blah blah 
fuckin'
blah. More bloody snakes, ya fish-faced tools! Finally they get down to
brass tacks and fall of the edge of a waterfall, but by then Damien was
fast asleep in the cinema seat next to mine, and all the snakes in the
movie were ready to kill from sheer boredom. I cheered them on as they
took out the pathetic losers from the expedition. A couple of the sheilas
in the movie weren't half bad looking but a bit stand-offish for ol' Jake's
taste. I like a woman who can dish it out, but she's gotta know when to
take the sleeper hold and accept the pin, I reckon. The blokes in the
film deserved whatever they got. A bunch of useless underwear models,
the whole bloody lot of 'em. One devastating drop of my patented finishing
move, the "DDT," and they'd collapse like the girlymen they
are.
That's about all I have to say, I think you can see how little regard I have for the film. The snakes were bilked on this one, they hardly had five minutes of screen time in the whole bloody mess. And clearly the filmmakers don't know how to light reptile skin. To catch the true sensual appeal of your average serpent, you really need to increase the ISO, bracket your exposures, shutter the key lights and get some secondary fills with a nice green gel.
Yeah, so Jake the Snake Roberts is into lighting and cinematography. You got a problem with that? I'll see you in the ring, ya ratface bastard!
-editors note
Born in Stone Mountain Georgia, Jake "The Snake" Roberts is
in no way Australian.
Recent Updates
23 October 2007
Article by Mark
Supermania
6 August 2007
Article by Tom
Spreading the Disease
