Mystic River:
Filmed in and around Boston in 2002, this police-precedural directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Sean Penn employs a most unusual method in its storytelling style. Apparently feeling that audiences just couldn't tell soon enough who the serial-killer was in his recent film, Blood Work, Eastwood has decided rather than let the story unfold with intrigue and flow naturalistically, that he would address the issue in Mystic River himself... by popping up on-screen occasionally throughout the film, pointing to the actor playing his villain and shouting "He's the Bad Guy!" Pushing the envelope even further, the maverick director has begun calling moviegoers at home and telling them who the killer is, just in case they don't make it to movie theaters on opening weekend. By breaking the fourth-wall in a style reminiscent of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the good people of Gallup Polls, Eastwood has revitalized the crime drama in ways never before seen... or even necessary, now that we think about it.
***1/2 (out of four)

John Woo's McDonaldland
In creating his most ambitious tale of brotherhood and ballistics, Woo reaches out to our childhood innocence, succeeding with this summer movie. Sesame Street has changed over the years, becoming a hot-bed of drugs and prostitution, yet Ernie and Bert struggle valiantly to keep their modest diner from closing down. But when the Fix-It-Shop is unexpectedly set ablaze by the City Revitalization Council to make way for a new McDonald's, machine guns fire and stuffing flies. The Fast Food Hit Squad featuring Grimace the Intimidator and the Hamburglar/Bomber takes no prisoners, and the scene in which crime bosses Ronald McDonald and Big Bird point their guns at each other is as shocking as it is funny. Woo's choice of playing Kermit the Frog's death sequence in slow motion to the tune of "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" seems a bit on-the-nose, but the savage charge of seeing the corrupt Mayor McCheese shotgunned in half by the formerly-homeless Oscar is a crowd-pleaser. "What a grouch," indeed.
***

Men In Black III
Continuing the downward spiral of the once-great sci-fi-comedy series, this third installment is nothing more than a real-time 90 minute viewing of Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones and Barry Sonnenfeld leaving their huge Beverly Hills estates, going to the bank, and cashing their respective $20 million paychecks while grinning, high-fiving, smoking cigars and buying new Lamborghinis. I'd wait to rent this one on DVD if I were you, where it's rumored will appear an Easter Egg showing TV news reports about how the three later snuck into public screenings of the film and began sodomizing members of the audience.
**

The Tuxedo II
Now this is just too much. Fans were flabbergasted by the original film when beloved action hero Jackie Chan was barely allowed by the filmmakers to do any of his trademark physical martial arts work, fighting or stunts. They thought it would be better to rely on horrible wire-work, CGI and horrendous fight choreography. Not to bow down to fans and those who know better, in this sequel the increasingly-irritating director Kevin Donovan has simply cast Jackie's role with a barely-lifelike animatronic dummy filled with wet leaves. Oh, sure... Now the character can be thrown off of buildings and set on fire at will, but there's just no chemistry at all with its co-star: the stunning, but also barely-lifelike animatronic dummy, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
*

The Wicker Man
In this updating of the cult-classic starring Edward Woodward as a Police Inspector seeking a missing woman on an island populated by insane-and-pagan cultists, Nicolas Cage now takes the lead role. Initially causing shock and dismay in the similarly insane-and-pagan-cultist circles of obscure horror film fans, Cage makes up for his cliché-ridden and all-too-subdued work in Windtalkers by turning in his most bizarre and over the top performance yet. Purists will argue that this remake's ending deviates too far from the original, but as Cage bursts free from his flaming wicker prison, grabs a shovel and beats onlookers to death while crying like a child and masturbating, it's hard not to feel deeply touched. (See you at the Oscars, Mr. Cage!) And of the moment when Cage kicks Christopher Lee in the balls? "Exquisite!" Though it's rumored that the footage was actually captured between takes.
***

Alien 5
Remember when Sigourney Weaver joked that she'd only commit to a fifth installment in this sci-fi series if she were paid $50 million? Little did we know, she was serious. Enter the cinema find of the century: Jenna Jameson. Turning in a performance not seen since her work in Steven Spielberg's box-office comeback, A.I.: Artifical Intercourse, Jenna mixes it up with the Alien Queen (Brianna Banks) in ways that we mortal men have only dreamt of seeing on the big-screen. Mega-kudos to genius director Ridley Scott for returning to the Alien Saga and going with his gut (or somewhere slightly lower), making the naughty space opera we've always wanted to see. The already-classic zero-gravity orgy with all of Vivid and Wicked's finest must be seen to be believed. Poised to be the first film to gross $800 million domestically, it will no doubt give Ms. Jameson the boost she needs in her eventual campaign for the Presidency of the United States. She certainly has my vote. Finally, a politician I can't wait to get behind.
****

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Psychic guest critic Brainemptor is a fully accredited psychic and part-time volunteer bus driver. He attended community college for several semesters in the late 1970's. He is available for weddings, barmitzvahs, and children's birthday parties.*

* Psychic guest critic Brainemptor prefers not to perform psychic feats at these functions.