Shanghai Narcs
In this third and hopefully final chapter in the Jackie Chan/Owen Wilson series, director Joe Carnahan closes the narrative in an intriguing way. While trying to recover a priceless Chinese artifact stolen by thieves from central casting, Chon Wei (Jackie) and Roy O'Bannon (Wilson) are launched through time to present-day Detroit where they are terrorized and pistol-whipped by mad dog cop, Ray Liotta. It's a brilliant (and wholly deserved) moment to be sure. If only Carnahan had the foresight to also have Liotta throttle the directors of The Tuxedo and Shanghai Knights, as well as Jackie's agent at ICM.
***

Nickelodeon's The You Can't Do That On Television Movie
Films based on cable TV shows reach an all-time low here. In the not-too-distant future, a comet headed toward earth is dropping hot molten slime all over innocent citizens whenever they say the words, "I don't know." It's up to Bruce Willis and a rag-tag group of scientists and deep core drillers to rapidly get trained by NASA, put their personal problems in order, build a powerful starship and launch into space to save the world. Director Michael Bay makes this bullshit even dumber than it sounds, and writer M. Night Shymalan botches yet another "surprise ending" -- it turns out Willis died in childbrith and the whole story's just a dream anyway... but geez, you don't need psychic powers to see that coming.
**

Martin Scorsese's More About Schmidt
Now this is a sequel! Picking up exactly where the overdone tearjerker About Schmidt left off -- psychological time bomb Jack Nicholson realizes that "life's little victories" are the ones that count -- Schmidt gets up from his chair and stubs his toe. This finally sends him over the edge and he suddenly decides to buy a cache of weapons, get a mohawk and reap bloody revenge on his local congressman. Scorsese is just the right man to make this all work brilliantly, although the scene where Schmidt walks into the den of a street gang (called "The Oscars") and starts shooting and yelling "Screw You!" seems a tad over-symbolic
***1/2

X3: X-Men Reunion
A psychic film critic and a close friend are nearly run over by a car in a supermarket parking lot by a brown sedan, inside of which are Professor X, Storm, Wolverine, Cyclops and Nightcrawler. After dodging the vehicle the two men shout, "Wait, Professor X! We're mutants, too!" Then everybody goes back to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and they all have a big barbeque. Oh, wait. Was this a psychic vision I had or just a weird dream? Damn... You know, I just can't tell sometimes. Those stupid chimichongas do this to me every time...

Hard Ticket To The Middle East
Andy Sidaris dishes out some bra-busting justice in this direct-to-video masterpiece. Tired of the President's oil-war politics and thirsty for revenge for past deeds, the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies of Justice (Julie Strain, Cynthia Brimhall, Shay Sweet and Julie K. Smith) head to sandland to take out the Hussein (Erik Estrada) and Bin Laden (Pat Morita) once and for all. Naturally, once the megababes arrive the evildoers take one look at them and surrender, drop their weapons and pants and wave the American Flag. But then again, who wouldn't? Hell, I'm dropping mine right now.
***

The Naked Gun 44DD
Leslie Nielsen returns (from the dumpster behind that Taco Bell on La Brea) as Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad in this hilarious but ultimately unrealistic comedy. Turns out Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) has been accused of murdering his wife... and only one man can help him. Drebin comes out of retirement, running into racist cops, rhyming lawyers, media jackals and a White Bronco chase scene that isn't exactly The French Connection material. Sure, the laughs are there (a sideline character named "Kato" is a complete riot)... but the movie's too dated and far fetched. I mean, look at the evidence against Nordberg. DNA and a bloody glove? You'd have to be blind or on drugs to believe he didn't do it.
***