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Seagalfest 2005

by Tim, Matt, and Tom
8 May 2005

"A man's gotta know his limitations."- A note/apology from the Editor:
The pain of this film has burned in my memory for months. For our latest entry in the ongoing Seagalfest I truly wanted to engage our readers with the usual assortment of funny screen grabs, witty banter involving the incomprehensible plot, the mind numbingly annoying Little Girl Who Likes to Scream A Lot, the bad guy with the (unintentionally hilarious) electronically processed Deep Voice, and the general tearing of a new one for this movie. Unfortunately this confessional is the best I can muster. That and Matt's notation that Seagal's flubbing of one of his only FIVE lines of dialogue makes for a new high (percentage wise) of inaudible Seagal dialogue. This movie hurt me so bad I think I might actually be suffering from a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress because of it. Thusly, for the last several weeks I have been unable to motivate myself to do ANYTHING that feels like work involving this film. Defeat is not something I accept easily, but as the above quote from Magnum Force refers to, I know my limitations... because this movie showed them to me. Fortunately Tim is a stronger man than I and offers his retelling of our fateful viewing.
-Tom

In January our Seagal Squad (Matt, Tom, and Tim) gathered in Boston at Matt's penthouse apartment in order to view and discuss the new straight-to-video actioner Clementine, a Korean cop movie with a cameo appearance by Seagal-sensei. Tim had an order of chicken vermicelli "bun" with peanut sauce, Matt downed some leftover eggplant parm with salad and fries, and Tom ate some nachos with dip, ice cream, and Combos. As it turns out, we needed every calorie of our meals in order to survive this cinematic trainwreck.

The film centers around Kim, a former professional fighter in Korea who lost to an American in a controversial decision seven years ago. Fate being the cruel bastard that it is, Kim's wife died in childbirth while he was fighting, sending Kim into a spiral of drink and depression, fighting in underground bouts in Las Vegas for petty cash. He finally got his act together and returned to Korea to become a maverick cop on the edge. The first bust we see him make is a Korean casino operation in "violation of psychotropic." As you may have guessed, the subtitles didn't exactly conform to Strunk & White's Elements of Style.

After Kim's big bust, in which he mercilessly beats the thugs to a pulp with his kick-boxing and Tae Kwon Do skills, the film takes a turn for the bizarre, when we see a Korean Elvis impersonator bust in on the city prosecutor while she's beating an old man. We barely had time to give each other a confused look when it shifted to the school of Kim's little girl SaRang, now accused by her teacher of being a gangster. Her dad comes to her rescue, then goes back to the precinct where he beats up the casino suspects some more and ends up losing his job. Clearly this is a man in need of some Movie Redemption. But there's lots more incoherent plot to get through first.

Case in point: Kim's daughter SaRang goes grocery shopping all by herself and tries to pay in coins. The shopkeeper gets angry and yells at her, to which she replies innocently, "It's OK. Shitty thing happens." Suddenly the prosecutor appears and helps her out by yelling at the shopkeeper. Kim, meanwhile, is walking home drunk in a rainstorm holding fried chicken. The bad guys, in the strangest job interview tactic ever, beat the tar out of him before offering him employment as an enforcer. When he says no, they threaten little SaRang. Speaking of SaRang, she's back home hanging out with the prosecutor and her boyfriend. SaRang seems lonely without papa Kim, whom she takes care of because he's a drunken lout.

Cut to: a drug deal going down at a bullfight of all places. Kim returns home from there, only to have SaRang jump on him and attempt to rip his pants off. I -- oh forget it, let's not even go there. Next up is an underground criminal Battle Royale, featuring opponents of every size, sex, and style. Kim defeats them all and the bad guys offer him a big match with American underground fighting legend Jack Miller (Seagal, making his first appearance of the film as a blur on a TV screen). Next up is a string of vaguely related scenes: the prosecutor beats up that old man in her office again (we assumed this is comic relief, Korean style). SaRang hangs out at home, doing a little dusting. The prosecutor sees Kim somewhere, hits the gym for a bit, then cries her eyes out.

The drama becomes unrelenting. Kim's cop buddy urges him not to fight the unstoppable man-mountain Seagal, because "He already kicked bunch of Asses!" Kim and the prosecutor meet again and argue about his daughter SaRang in a very confusing way, something about abandoning her as a baby. Through great difficulty and with many leaps in logic, we are able to discern that the prosecutor is SaRang's mom and Kim's ex-wife. She didn't really die in childbirth, she just gave birth and left for some reason. There is much crying and gnashing of teeth. We look at the readout on the DVD player: 52 minutes into the film. All of us simultaneously: "Can somebody PLEASE fight somebody?!?" Sadly, the answer is no, as we are treated to fifteen more minutes of sappy bullshit.

Finally we are rewarded with a humorous moment (though it is intended to be serious): SaRang opens her mouth and scream-cries from 1:08:14 - 1:08:29. A full fifteen seconds of slack-jawed blubbering. Suddenly, a counterfeit currency film breaks out, with government agents and the prosecutor making a move on the casino gangsters' lakeside cabin. Part of us wants to say "what the fuck is going on?" but we're just so glad that something is finally happening that we can't bring ourselves to complain about it. Then SaRang gets kidnapped by some evil Americans and Kim realizes he must fight Seagal in order to get her back. He travels to America and confronts the bad guys, uttering his first lines of dialogue in English. It's hilarious: he sort of does this faux-Italian accent thing and flubs his line completely, but the director apparently didn't think it was worth a second take for some reason. Kim to bad guy: "OK, [I will fight] but you haff to give my daughter backa to me before fa -- fff -- NO -- before za fight!"

The big counterfeit bust goes down at the ol' fishing hole back in Korea. Prosecutor / Mom discovers Kim left to fight and so she follows him to LA. As the final Kim vs. Seagal battle begins, they describe Seagal as 64 inches tall and 225 lbs. Now, even aside from the ridiculously low weight measurement there, I'm pretty sure master Seagal is taller than five feet, four inches tall. But hey, who can complain when Seagal finally appears and whispers his first line of dialogue at 1:27:15..."You're going down." A few minutes of slappy-fu and tae kwon do go by, as Seagal-sensei pummels the crap out of Kim. Finally, Kim hears the insane bleating of his daughter SaRang (rescued by her mom the prosecutor) and he gets to his feet. He gathers his last remaining strength and kicks Seagal into a freeze-frame, as SaRang screams "daddy" in Korean: "Oppaahhhh!!"

Finally we reach the denouement, as everyone gathers to celebrate the happy ending. Kim recovers in a hospital and discusses SaRang's future with his ex-wife. She decides Kim and SaRang need each other and prepares to leave them both forever. SaRang jumps on the PA system and announces to the entire hospital in Korean: "I want to eat mom-made breakfast every morning!" Predictably, the prosecutor tears up and rushes back to her family. Seagal appears at the hospital to put us out of our cinematic misery. He wishes his opponent Kim a speedy recovery and assures him that he knew nothing of SaRang's kidnapping. He whispers something else humbly and inaudibly, then the credits finally roll. As they scroll up the screen, we're treated to some on-the-set footage of the little actress who played SaRang, pledging her love to Seagal. It's cute yet creepy. The best part is when they bust out some Korean arena rock (Karena rock?) with shots of dancing martial artists, but by that time it was far too late to save this piece of Korean crap. (Korap?)
-Tim

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