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Pain Will Set You Free:
Steven Seagal's Out of Reach
Seagalfest 2004 pt 2
by Matt, Tim, and Tom
24 August 2004
Well we're back once again, reporting in on the latest entry
of Steven Seagal's ongoing journey. As promised, if he keeps making them
we'll keep watching them - all so that you don't have to. However, the
disturbing trend of Seagal's lack of presence continues in Out
of Reach. Is it too much to ask of your action star to actually
show up for his movies? Apparently in Steve's case, yes, it is. Between
the hilarious dubbing, obvious stunt doubles and stand ins, it would have
actually been an improvement if Steve had just phoned it in. It's not
much to ask, really. At least do it for the fans man, do it for the fans!
Synopsis: This is a tough one. Since it has all the continuity of a Polish Action Movie with a Chinese director (which coincidentally was the case), we'll piece it together as best we can. Steve plays nature loving ex CSA(?) Agent Billy Ray Lancing. This we know for sure. After losing communication with his penpal, a little orphan girl, Steve sets out to find her. Taken by a ruthless gang, she helps him along the way by leaving clues to her whereabouts through secret code that she learned through her correspondence with Billy Ray. How does he know she's kidnapped? He stops receiving her letters. Why do the bad guys take her in the first place? Not sure really. White slavery seems a likely candidate. How does the little girl know to leave Billy Ray clues to her whereabouts since their only form of communication was through letter writing? Sorry, got nothing. We're doing the best we can here, seriously.
1:30 - Former covert agent Billy Ray Lancing (Seagal) is walking through the woods -- looking more like a serial killer or Gary Busey after a particularly rough weekend. He stops to rescue an injured hawk from some sort of snare trap. He smiles a goofy smile, holding the poor thing as if he's wondering "would you taste better original style or extra crispy?"
2:24 - Through a montage of scenes examining Seagal's penpal relationship to a young European Orphan Girl (Ida Nowakowska), we are introduced to the real second lead of the film, Seagal's voice-over performer. After Belly Of The Beast, this is another film that cares enough to let us hear what the Whispering Warrior has to say. Bad choice, though - the voice-over man sounds so unlike Seagal and so strange that his words to the young orphan ("you're a very special girl" and the like) make him sound like a pedophile luring tykes into his custom van.
4:00 - After much icky voice-overs, Seagal speaks with his own voice for the first time. Things are right within the world, once again.
5:00
- We meet Faisal, the human trafficking villain played by Matt Shulze.
You may remember him such such films as The Fast and The Furious,
The Transporter, and Torque;
he's always the buff, freaky stubbly guy who seems to be oozing evil from
every pore. And yet, he is Seagal's best enemy in years, in terms
of acting anyway. The character he plays is pretty underwritten. (Matt)
I'm a fan of Shulze after the three aforementioned films and at this writing
I just discovered why. He's me; my evil twin from the Bizarro World. If
I were skinnier and as evil as I want to be, I'd be him. Or he'd be me.
However that works.
10:00 - Billy Ray (Seagal) speaks fluent French. Or is it Polish? (Matt) Beats me.I can't speak either one. I bet "Bizarro World Me" can, though. Dammit.
21:00 - In his search for his kidnapped Euro jailbait
friend, Billy Ray happens across another young Orphan - an often-mute,
bug-eyed, ferret like little circus attraction that shall
be referred to here as "FreakBoy." We cringe in anticipation
of seeing Seagal offer to inappropriately bounce the lad on his lap. We're thankfully
spared such a sight and Billy Ray instead offers the tyke a pair of sunglasses.
(Matt) I then imagine them getting into a fight over which one will
be "Jake" and which will be "Elwood." (Seagal
to FreakBoy: "You kiddin' me, you piece'a shit? You're not
man enough to be Jake!! Belushi was a god, man! ")
24:00 - While searching for his missing penpal, Billy Ray shows off his "leet haxor skillz" by cracking the conveniantly titled "International Missing People Database" in about 4 seconds. This might be the first time in cinema history a character named Billy Ray even uses a computer, let alone hacks into one.
25:00 - The villain Faisal is obviously a refined type. In his spare time, he practices fencing in an elegant and immaculate arena. He tells an opponent, "Pain is your friend. Learn to love pain and it will set you free." (Matt) Hey pal, I'm watching Out Of Reach. I know all about pain.
31:30 - A pixelated indecipherable black and white image located on the charred remains of a digital video tape is converted to a professional looking wall sized color poster in about 5 seconds using only a few keystrokes on a computer keyboard. Obviously they must have been using a Mac.
32:00 - Billy Ray shows what kind of parent he'd really be when he leaves FreakBoy alone in a hotel room with a fully stocked bar. Ferrets love the sauce, so FreakBoy attacks the bottles as if training for future Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Seagal admonishes the kid but looks mostly impressed. ("Maybe this kid could be Belushi, after all.")
40:00
- A female Police Officer (Agnieszka Wagner) hits on Seagal's
Billy Ray. Actress Wagner gives an Oscar worthy performance as she completes
the scene without vomitting. Well, she completed the scene once that we
know of.
42:00 - The worst fight scene choreography of Seagal's career. An Assassin shoots Billy Ray's comely Polish Cop counterpart (Wagner). Seagal grabs the guy, slaps his head a few times... and drops him on the floor. What kind of aikido move is that? Then, get this, the guy just gets up and runs away... and Seagal just stands there two feet away. He doesn't snap the man's neck, break his spine, gnaw off his legs, or anything. The Seagal I know could have mashed the bastard into paste without breaking a sweat. Weak. Weaker than weak. "Uberweak."
42:17 - Seagal moves with all the grace of Frankenstein's
Monster as this "action sequence" ends. At 17 seconds, it's
the longest Kung Fu fight in the film.
43:00 - Seagal wrests the bullet from the shoulder of his lovely partner in a nearby kitchen, Rambo-style with a butterknife warmed by the stove top range. Raiding the cabinets for what looks like cooking sherry, Seagal liquors up his partner before "surgery." She writhes and moans in what seems not like pain but sweet sexual abandon. She's obviously another in the long line of ladies who truly loves having Master Seagal tend to her body's every need. That kinky thing.
44:00 - Faisal (Matt Shulze) dares a henchman to shoot him in the face. Naturally, the guy backs down. A disappointed Faisal explains, "Know what the problem with my father was? He wasn't hard enough on me." Yeah. Know what the problem with your agent was, Matt? He sent you this script.
50:00 - (Matt) I realize that nothing cool of any kind has happened in this movie. No fights. No gunplay. No muppets. No car chases. No faux Asian philosophy. No Seagal ponytail. Nothing. I also realize that I no longer care what happens, in any way, in this film.
1:00:00 - (Matt) I see buttcheeks!! Gorgeous Euro Girls
in revealing outfits?! Ahhh... a brothel scene! Okay, I decide... I care
again.
1:14:00 - Well, that was a short victory. Fourteen more minutes of yawning and sleepy-eyed filmgoing. Even the final battle between Shulze and Seagal barely registers, and it's a swordfight, no less - but the worst swordfight I've ever seen. Think back on your childhood. Remember after the Star Wars movies came out and you and your friends would fake swordfight with sticks or Wiffle-Ball bats pretending they were light-sabers? Your choreography was probably better than this.
1:20:00
- The most hysterical imagery of the film. Repeated clips from the movie's opening
scenes show Seagal, home again deep in the woods. The bad guys are
dead, the girls are safe and sound... and on he marches in the wilderness.
Man of Nature, Man of Battle. The footage looks rather like the famous
Bigfoot 8mm film reel, we realize, as we stare in awe at the great Seagalsquatch.
And as that hawk from the film's opening scenes soars high and low
through the mountain landscape, Master Seagal's squinty and doughy
visage is superimposed over a freezeframe of this wonderful land. He looks
more evil than ever. He's either thinking about eating that bird
again or he's prepping his audition tape for the role of "The Rock
Biter" in The Neverending Story: Part Five...
Only time, my friends, will tell.
-mg, th, tm
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